I Am Thankful

I realize it is no longer Thanksgiving and that today marked the first day of December so the title of this may seem a little off but tonight I truly am thankful.

We went to get our Christmas tree tonight and while we did not get to decorate it yet as we are waiting for the branches to fall and for it to get all pretty and "fat" it put us all in a bit of the Christmas spirit even though Ant is still gone and we miss him. 

My 2nd son asked me to read to him tonight.  While this may not seem like a "major" thing I have to say that reading to my kids is probably one of the biggest enjoyments I get out of life.  They have a large library of books that we have collected through the years.  Tonight he picked out three Christmas books.  He tried to start off reading them and then passed them to me.  Reading to my older two boys can be very bitter-sweet to me.  They are 8 and 9 now so I realize I probably have a very short amount of time where they will continue to ask me to read to them so I truly cherish those moments.  I remember during the last deployment and I signed them up for a children's book of the month club and how excited they were when their books came in the mail.  I miss those days sometimes and the two tiny little boys they were.  Now they are both writing their own books and I am very proud.

As I sat there reading to him while holding my baby girl I noticed the two younger boys come over and start to listen. And I was happy. Content. Thankful.  My life is not perfect. It is in no way, shape or form easy. I miss my husband and no one can make that better.  But still I am thankful for my life, for all the gifts God has given me.  That alone is enough to get me in the Christmas spirit.

Lesson Number One: Learning the Difference of Living and Surviving

Thanksgiving was today.  I was sort of dreading it sort of excited because it meant getting to see my family, seeing my boys excited and seeing my baby girl have her first turkey day.  But there was that usual pit in my stomach that is there when there is a holiday and he's not here.  If I could teach a class for military family members or spouses one of the first lessons that would have to be learned is the hard lesson of knowing the difference of living and surviving. 

Living is what I do better when he is here.  I feel the moment, I enjoy it for the most part and I'm a better person.  Then there is that other person.  The one who just survives.  She gets up in the morning. She drinks her coffee. She takes care of her kids.  She breathes in. She breathes out.  She survives.  She does not LIVE.  I swore to myself before he deployed again I would LIVE this time.  I would do things. I would go places. I would experience life and even have some fun.  And yet.  I find myself slipping into the same bad patterns.  Just surviving. 

Lately I see more and more people just doing this.  Life is hard lately.  People age, get sick, move away.  People lose loved ones and in turn lose themselves and their faith.  They just survive. It's like we are all a part of some sad club.  But I want out. 

So I tried today. I baked. I smiled real smiles and I even enjoyed myself.  Because I promised him.  And I saw four little boys and a baby girl looking at me, in their own way begging me to live with them.  I cannot be perfect.  But I also cannot just hide in the corner and go over and over what all seems wrong lately. 

With that, today I can say I'm simply just thankful for living.